It is this. I well knew what an immense and hopeless distance there was
between me and Miss Maryon; I well knew that I was no fitter company for
her than I was for the angels; I well knew, that she was as high above my
reach as the sky over my head; and yet I loved her. What put it in my
low heart to be so daring, or whether such a thing ever happened before
or since, as that a man so uninstructed and obscure as myself got his
unhappy thoughts lifted up to such a height, while knowing very well how
presumptuous and impossible to be realised they were, I am unable to say;
still, the suffering to me was just as great as if I had been a
gentleman. I suffered agony--agony. I suffered hard, and I suffered
long. I thought of her last words to me, however, and I never disgraced
them. If it had not been for those dear words, I think I should have
lost myself in despair and recklessness.
The ring will be found lying on my heart, of course, and will be laid
with me wherever I am laid. I am getting on in years now, though I am
able and hearty. I was recommended for promotion, and everything was
done to reward me that could be done; but my total want of all learning
stood in my way, and I found myself so completely out of the road to it
that I could not conquer any learning, though I tried.
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